On the face of it, my life is brilliant. I'm in a decent college,fun enough,relaxed enough,reputed enough. I'm doing a course I love,law is quite thought-provocative and I like that. Best of all, the love of my life is with me now,she's been in Pune for what,a month now. I've been seeing her every single day,having amazing fun out here even. What else do I need in life?. Ah,well,if only satisfaction was a word I was familiar with.
Problem is, I've changed. I've changed a lot. Since I asked her out what 9 months back,I've been changing every single day. I never quite had an identity for myself. I always sought out to create one. I lied a lot,even to myself, to make myself seem 'cool',as per my definition for the word then. I never really liked life. I thought it was an institution,which was as easily perishable,like a 16 year old's load. I never cared for anything either, I just lived on, doing whatever I felt like at that moment, not liking anything around me ever. Things changed after she came in my life, I got a reason to live.
But have I changed too much?. I dont know. I mean, one thing I have hidden behind my weird hair-do's and my fierce lying is that I have the maturity of a 5 year old boy :|. I dont have any direction in life,I dont know how to think straight. I dont know how to do anything right. But I always made myself believe I could do stuff on my own and miraculously I did get some of it right,mostly out of sheer bloody luck. Now that I have her in my life, why do I count on her way too much?. I mean, around 3 months back, she could talk to me about her problems, I'd be the sensible,matured guy she fell in love with and I'd solve all of it in no time. She was never ever sad. That's why she fell in love with me,that's the guy she still sees in me and loves so very much. Why did I take advantage of that very fact and just start focusing on me and my own shit?. I guess I hurt her bad when she realized I wasn't really there for her anymore.
I really dont know what to do at this cross-road. I know she loves me more than her life, I love her as much too. We are perfect for each other, no doubting that. We never have anything that can get between us. She'd take me even if I turned into Hitler now,she loves me that much. But I forget why I'm this happy in life right now. My goal in life,my real ambition in life is to keep her as happy as I possibly can. That's what I want. Not a law degree with a great job,not a Porsche 911 Turbo,not even a fucking house made of chocolate. Have I really overseen that?. If I were to continue taking advantage of her,not making her happy,why am I still alive again?. I'm right back where I started. I'm disgruntled,I'm dissatisfied and I'm angry with myself and life. I hate it.
Bottom line is, I need to face my own shit and grow up. Big time. All I wanna do right now is make her happy. I really can't imagine doing anything else at all in life. I really wanna set things right. I wish I knew how. But I have faith I suppose, I believe I love her enough to get me through this. I need to be there for her, I need to give her that shoulder she needs,deserves. I owe it to the greatest girl on earth.
Fuck this, I'm tired of writing. Life's still good. It's a bit confusing. I'll make it right. Just realized an empty window can't help me with this.
